missstewart

Title: Knights in Shining Armour?
Fandom: Pundits/Fake News
Characters: Stephen and Maddie Colbert, David and Amy Sedaris, Anderson Cooper and Gloria Vanderbilt, Keith Olbermann and Katy Tur
Word Count: 1931
Rating: PG
Disclaimer:
Disclaimer: Any similarity between the fictional version of the person portrayed here and the actual persons is purely coincidental. This is a work of fiction. This is not an attempt to defame the character of said person on the basis of libel, as the work is FICTIONAL (and NOT an intently false statement created with the express purpose of misleading others about the actual character of said person).

Any mention of 'Anderson Cooper 360', 'CNN', 'MSNBC', 'Countdown with Keith Olbermann', 'Air America Radio', 'The Rachel Maddow Show', any associated entities, or any copyrighted material pertaining therein is reasonably protected by the Fair Use Rule of the United States Copyright Act of 1976 and is not intended to infringe upon any copyrighted material.

Author's note: This started germinating back in February when Bill Clinton - who had been facing plenty of criticism of himself for many years - got upset after somebody criticized his wife. One thesis project, four final exams, two hard-drive crashes, a new job and two beta-reads later, I ended up with this.

<b>Sarken</b> and <b>peapods</b> beta-read, both providing useful suggestions that made it better.

<ij-cut=Knights in Shining Armour?>
It being Friday, Stephen was able to leave work early and pick Madeline up from school on the way home, something he didn’t do often enough.

He parked and walked into the school. On his way down the hallway to his daughter’s locker, he saw two young women sitting on a bench in the hallway.

“That was great, you should have seen her face,” said the first, touching up her makeup.
The other woman, already wearing a fairly short skirt, crossed her legs and Stephen averted his eyes. “Yeah, especially when you called her a dweeb.”
”I can’t believe she thought we’d hang out with her.”

Around the next bend in the hallway, Stephen found his daughter, staring morosely into her locker. He realized that the young women in the hallway had probably been talking about Maddie.

“Hello, honey.”
She turned at the sound of his voice, but still looked unhappy. ”Hi, dad.”
”Ready to go?”
”Yeah, I guess.”

Once in the car, Stephen broached the subject of what had happened in school.

“You okay, sweetie?”
”’m fine.”
“Are you sure? Getting along with your friends okay?”
“Don’t want to talk about it.”


***


Anderson was approving comments on his blog. He had staff to do that, but he liked to read the ones on his own entries raw, in case there was criticism his staff were too polite to tell him about.

The first few were positive.

<i>Great blog entry, can’t wait to read more tomorrow! (Hint, hint…)</i>
Trisha in NYC

<i>Always fun to see you go overseas, Anderson.</i>
Robert G. in Texas

The third comment contained some criticism that made Anderson take note.

<i>Who cares about sharks, you should be covering real news here in America!</i>

When Anderson read the fourth, he giggled.

<i>Typical crap from the useless son of the 19th century version of Paris Hilton. Greta Van Susteren is way better, she actually had to work to get where she is now.</i>
Bill, South Dakota.

Anderson was tempted to become distracted by the comment, but there were more comments to read. Just as he was moving on to the next one, he heard a voice from the door.

“Anderson, what are you doing?”
Anderson looked up from his computer and saw his producer, Charlie, looking sternly at him. “Uh... blogging?”
“It's Saturday, Anderson.”
“Oh, I know, I just came in for the morning to catch up on the blog and stuff.”
Charlie frowned. “Anderson, you need to take a vacation once in a while. Go home and have a nap or something.”
“But I-”
“Go home, relax, have a nap or something, and then go to the charity dinner you had scheduled. CNN will be fine without you.”


***

Maddie got up on Saturday morning at about the usual time, and ate breakfast just like normal. She didn't look upset, Stephen though. But her parents were both actors – it was possible that she had been having a terrible time for weeks and just hiding it very well. Stephen hoped that wasn't the case... but how could he find out?

“Why are you watching me like that, dad?”
“Oh, sorry, just thinking.”
“Well, can you think somewhere else? I'm trying to eat my breakfast here.”

***

David enjoyed book tours. He got to meet his fans and see the world. And he got to stop by New York City several times to see his American friends.

So, when he had a layover in New York flying from Brazil to Canada, he arranged to have lunch with his sister Amy and a few of her friends.


Amy got tied up and was late to lunch. (David hoped that “tied up” was just metaphorical, but with Amy, you never knew.) So, David dug into his sandwich and tried to get to know Amy’s friends.

“So, how’s your useless sister doing these days?” asked one of them, Bill.
‘Useless’ was not a word that David would have chosen to describe Amy in particular. He wondered whether Bill had met one of his other sisters.
”Yeah, is she still riding the coattails of her friend Colbert?” added a black-haired man whose name David didn’t recall.
Apparently, he actually had been talking about Amy.
”Making cupcakes, or whatever?”
”Yeah… she’s lucky they had that strike, otherwise she would never have gotten rid of those clams.”
David had missed the bit about the clams, apparently.
“What a talentless hack, if she was half as funny as he is she’d have her own show.”

***

Fed up with “having a nap or something”, Anderson arrived at the dinner with his mother -- since he couldn’t bring his boyfriend and stay in the closet – exactly on time.

Gloria peered at the place cards at their table. “Oh, look, we're sitting with Keith Olbermann.”
“Oh, great.” Anderson took of his suit jacket and hung it on the back of his chair, and then sat down.
“He's cute, isn't he? Don't you think? You should keep that jacket on, it makes you look more professional.”
“He's a dick, is what he is.”
“Oh, yes, I'm sure he's got a big dick.”
Anderson sought frantically to change the subject.
“So, I read a really interesting comment about you online, mom.”
“Oh?”
“Some man said you were 'the 19th century Paris Hilton', and I'm your 'useless son'.”
“That's creative – they got 'old' in there, as well as 'heiress'.”
“Yeah, that's what I thought.”


***

Keith very much enjoyed charity dinners, now that he had a pretty young girlfriend to take to them. Accordingly, Katy met him at the studio after he'd taped the show ahead of time and they took a taxi down together.

It turned out that they were sitting at a table with CNN's pretty boy and his mother, plus a lawyer and his wife. Katy seemed to think this was very exciting.

“You're Gloria Vanderbilt!”
“Yes, I am, pleased to meet you.”
“My aunt used to have some of your jeans!”
“Your aunt? How old are you?”
“Twenty five.”

Katy settled down in the seat next to Gloria to continue the discussion.

They ate dinner, the women providing most of the conversation. After the meal, Gloria offered to go introduce Katy to a few people, and they headed off.

With the women gone, Keith was left at the table with Anderson Cooper, who was already looking uncomfortable.
“So, uh,” said Anderson, “how about this weather we're having?”
Keith didn't think he'd ever heard quite that blatant an attempt at small-talk – usually, in his experience, people were able to disguise it a bit better. Keith looked around for someone to talk to, and caught Rachel's eye from across the room. He waved at her, hoping she would come rescue him.
The lawyer's wife broke the ensuing awkward silence.
“Keith, it's lovely of you to bring your daughter to these events.”
“She's actually my girlfriend,” said Keith. “I don't have a daughter.”
“You could do much better, you know. You're a big news anchor. You could get yourself a girlfriend your age, who you wouldn't have to pull strings for to find a job.”
Keith was tired of having to explain to people that Katy had gotten that job on her own merits. He may have helped her put together the application, but that was it. “Oh, she's very-”
“And, honestly, Keith, she doesn't look like the sharpest crayon in the box, if you catch my drift.”
Keith had always been quick to anger.
“You know what? Fuck you. My girlfriend is awesome. She's pretty and bubbly and she is fucking smart. Where do you get this shit? You've hardly said one word to her, and your calling her dumb?”
“I just meant-” said the woman, as Keith took another breath.
“And I'll have you know, ma'am, that she got that job on her own merits, and she is great at it.”
People from neighbouring tables were starting to look, but Keith didn't care. This lawyer's wife needed to learn her lesson, that you don't insult people's girlfriends. This time, the woman's husband interrupted.
“Look, she didn't mean it that way. We'll just be over there.”
The couple beat a hasty retreat.

“Keith,” said Rachel, startling him from behind. “You know she was flirting with you, right?”
“What?”
“You should learn to recognize these things,” agreed Anderson, giggling.
Keith realized that Rachel might be right, but wasn't about to apologize, not that he could with the woman gone. And he didn't want to lose face in front of CNN.
“Um...”
“Good-looking, too,” said Rachel. “You should've taken her up on her offer.”


***


During dinner, Stephen wondered who he could ask about teenage girls. He certainly didn’t remember his own sisters being teenagers – they were all significantly older than he was. It seemed that everybody he talked to at the dinner had brothers –- Jon and Tracey, who he was sharing a table with, both had brothers but no sisters. When Anderson Cooper's mother came by with a very pretty young woman, he asked her, but it turned out that she was an only child and had had four boys. What he really wanted to do was punch the two young women in the nose. Anybody who made his little girl unhappy deserved anything they got. But maybe that was normal behaviour for teenage girls, and he shouldn’t step in.

***


Back at the airport, David wondered whether Amy’s friends (or “friends”, as they might have been) were right, that she was just a talentless hack riding Colbert’s coattails. He decided that the only way to know was to call the man himself and ask.

“Hi, Stephen, it’s David Sedaris, Amy’s brother.“
“David! Wow! It’s great to hear from you!”
David wondered how best to phrase his question. “Um… when you ask Amy and Dinello for help on projects, is it-“
“I would *love* to work on something with you. We’re kind of busy with the show, it’s election season right now, we always are during election season, but if you-“
“No, but, is it because you actually need help? Or just because you want to be nice? Or in between, because you want to see them?”
“Are you kidding? I needed all the help I could get on that book. You’ve written books, you must know what it’s like.”
“Okay, good, thanks. I just wanted to make sure…”
”Do you mind if I ask a question?”
”Shoot.”
“Do you remember when your sisters were teenagers?”
”Yeah,” said David, thinking of the hell that was living with four teenage girls. “That went on for a long time. Four sisters and all.”
”Did they ever have fights with their friends?”
”Oh, all the time. One of the stories that I didn’t put in my last book is about that, Gretchen came home, and-“
”And what did your parents do?”
David realized that he wouldn’t have time to tell the story before the plane boarded anyway. “Usually they just let the girls deal with it, except in that story about Gretchen.”
“Cool, thanks.”

***

“Usually they just let the girls deal with it,” David had said.
Let the girls deal with it.

Stephen knew he would have to let his daughter be a teenager someday, he just didn’t realize it would be so soon. He should just leave her be, but he didn't want to just do nothing.

So, after dinner, he pulled her aside.

“Sweetie, if you ever have trouble at school, you know mom and I are here for you, right?”
“Yeah, dad, sure, can I go back to my video game?Knights in Shining Armour?


It being Friday, Stephen was able to leave work early and pick Madeline up from school on the way home, something he didn’t do often enough.

He parked and walked into the school. On his way down the hallway to his daughter’s locker, he saw two young women sitting on a bench in the hallway.

“That was great, you should have seen her face,” said the first, touching up her makeup.
The other woman, already wearing a fairly short skirt, crossed her legs and Stephen averted his eyes. “Yeah, especially when you called her a dweeb.”
”I can’t believe she thought we’d hang out with her.”

Around the next bend in the hallway, Stephen found his daughter, staring morosely into her locker. He realized that the young women in the hallway had probably been talking about Maddie.

“Hello, honey.”
She turned at the sound of his voice, but still looked unhappy. ”Hi, dad.”
”Ready to go?”
”Yeah, I guess.”

Once in the car, Stephen broached the subject of what had happened in school.

“You okay, sweetie?”
”’m fine.”
“Are you sure? Getting along with your friends okay?”
“Don’t want to talk about it.”


***


Anderson was approving comments on his blog. He had staff to do that, but he liked to read the ones on his own entries raw, in case there was criticism his staff were too polite to tell him about.

The first few were positive.

Great blog entry, can’t wait to read more tomorrow! (Hint, hint…)
Trisha in NYC

Always fun to see you go overseas, Anderson.
Robert G. in Texas

The third comment contained some criticism that made Anderson take note.

Who cares about sharks, you should be covering real news here in America!

When Anderson read the fourth, he giggled.

Typical crap from the useless son of the 19th century version of Paris Hilton. Greta Van Susteren is way better, she actually had to work to get where she is now.
Bill, South Dakota.

Anderson was tempted to become distracted by the comment, but there were more comments to read. Just as he was moving on to the next one, he heard a voice from the door.

“Anderson, what are you doing?”
Anderson looked up from his computer and saw his producer, Charlie, looking sternly at him. “Uh... blogging?”
“It's Saturday, Anderson.”
“Oh, I know, I just came in for the morning to catch up on the blog and stuff.”
Charlie frowned. “Anderson, you need to take a vacation once in a while. Go home and have a nap or something.”
“But I-”
“Go home, relax, have a nap or something, and then go to the charity dinner you had scheduled. CNN will be fine without you.”


***

Maddie got up on Saturday morning at about the usual time, and ate breakfast just like normal. She didn't look upset, Stephen though. But her parents were both actors – it was possible that she had been having a terrible time for weeks and just hiding it very well. Stephen hoped that wasn't the case... but how could he find out?

“Why are you watching me like that, dad?”
“Oh, sorry, just thinking.”
“Well, can you think somewhere else? I'm trying to eat my breakfast here.”

***

David enjoyed book tours. He got to meet his fans and see the world. And he got to stop by New York City several times to see his American friends.

So, when he had a layover in New York flying from Brazil to Canada, he arranged to have lunch with his sister Amy and a few of her friends.


Amy got tied up and was late to lunch. (David hoped that “tied up” was just metaphorical, but with Amy, you never knew.) So, David dug into his sandwich and tried to get to know Amy’s friends.

“So, how’s your useless sister doing these days?” asked one of them, Bill.
‘Useless’ was not a word that David would have chosen to describe Amy in particular. He wondered whether Bill had met one of his other sisters.
”Yeah, is she still riding the coattails of her friend Colbert?” added a black-haired man whose name David didn’t recall.
Apparently, he actually had been talking about Amy.
”Making cupcakes, or whatever?”
”Yeah… she’s lucky they had that strike, otherwise she would never have gotten rid of those clams.”
David had missed the bit about the clams, apparently.
“What a talentless hack, if she was half as funny as he is she’d have her own show.”

***

Fed up with “having a nap or something”, Anderson arrived at the dinner with his mother -- since he couldn’t bring his boyfriend and stay in the closet – exactly on time.

Gloria peered at the place cards at their table. “Oh, look, we're sitting with Keith Olbermann.”
“Oh, great.” Anderson took of his suit jacket and hung it on the back of his chair, and then sat down.
“He's cute, isn't he? Don't you think? You should keep that jacket on, it makes you look more professional.”
“He's a dick, is what he is.”
“Oh, yes, I'm sure he's got a big dick.”
Anderson sought frantically to change the subject.
“So, I read a really interesting comment about you online, mom.”
“Oh?”
“Some man said you were 'the 19th century Paris Hilton', and I'm your 'useless son'.”
“That's creative – they got 'old' in there, as well as 'heiress'.”
“Yeah, that's what I thought.”


***

Keith very much enjoyed charity dinners, now that he had a pretty young girlfriend to take to them. Accordingly, Katy met him at the studio after he'd taped the show ahead of time and they took a taxi down together.

It turned out that they were sitting at a table with CNN's pretty boy and his mother, plus a lawyer and his wife. Katy seemed to think this was very exciting.

“You're Gloria Vanderbilt!”
“Yes, I am, pleased to meet you.”
“My aunt used to have some of your jeans!”
“Your aunt? How old are you?”
“Twenty five.”

Katy settled down in the seat next to Gloria to continue the discussion.

They ate dinner, the women providing most of the conversation. After the meal, Gloria offered to go introduce Katy to a few people, and they headed off.

With the women gone, Keith was left at the table with Anderson Cooper, who was already looking uncomfortable.
“So, uh,” said Anderson, “how about this weather we're having?”
Keith didn't think he'd ever heard quite that blatant an attempt at small-talk – usually, in his experience, people were able to disguise it a bit better. Keith looked around for someone to talk to, and caught Rachel's eye from across the room. He waved at her, hoping she would come rescue him.
The lawyer's wife broke the ensuing awkward silence.
“Keith, it's lovely of you to bring your daughter to these events.”
“She's actually my girlfriend,” said Keith. “I don't have a daughter.”
“You could do much better, you know. You're a big news anchor. You could get yourself a girlfriend your age, who you wouldn't have to pull strings for to find a job.”
Keith was tired of having to explain to people that Katy had gotten that job on her own merits. He may have helped her put together the application, but that was it. “Oh, she's very-”
“And, honestly, Keith, she doesn't look like the sharpest crayon in the box, if you catch my drift.”
Keith had always been quick to anger.
“You know what? Fuck you. My girlfriend is awesome. She's pretty and bubbly and she is fucking smart. Where do you get this shit? You've hardly said one word to her, and your calling her dumb?”
“I just meant-” said the woman, as Keith took another breath.
“And I'll have you know, ma'am, that she got that job on her own merits, and she is great at it.”
People from neighbouring tables were starting to look, but Keith didn't care. This lawyer's wife needed to learn her lesson, that you don't insult people's girlfriends. This time, the woman's husband interrupted.
“Look, she didn't mean it that way. We'll just be over there.”
The couple beat a hasty retreat.

“Keith,” said Rachel, startling him from behind. “You know she was flirting with you, right?”
“What?”
“You should learn to recognize these things,” agreed Anderson, giggling.
Keith realized that Rachel might be right, but wasn't about to apologize, not that he could with the woman gone. And he didn't want to lose face in front of CNN.
“Um...”
“Good-looking, too,” said Rachel. “You should've taken her up on her offer.”


***


During dinner, Stephen wondered who he could ask about teenage girls. He certainly didn’t remember his own sisters being teenagers – they were all significantly older than he was. It seemed that everybody he talked to at the dinner had brothers –- Jon and Tracey, who he was sharing a table with, both had brothers but no sisters. When Anderson Cooper's mother came by with a very pretty young woman, he asked her, but it turned out that she was an only child and had had four boys. What he really wanted to do was punch the two young women in the nose. Anybody who made his little girl unhappy deserved anything they got. But maybe that was normal behaviour for teenage girls, and he shouldn’t step in.

***


Back at the airport, David wondered whether Amy’s friends (or “friends”, as they might have been) were right, that she was just a talentless hack riding Colbert’s coattails. He decided that the only way to know was to call the man himself and ask.

“Hi, Stephen, it’s David Sedaris, Amy’s brother.“
“David! Wow! It’s great to hear from you!”
David wondered how best to phrase his question. “Um… when you ask Amy and Dinello for help on projects, is it-“
“I would *love* to work on something with you. We’re kind of busy with the show, it’s election season right now, we always are during election season, but if you-“
“No, but, is it because you actually need help? Or just because you want to be nice? Or in between, because you want to see them?”
“Are you kidding? I needed all the help I could get on that book. You’ve written books, you must know what it’s like.”
“Okay, good, thanks. I just wanted to make sure…”
”Do you mind if I ask a question?”
”Shoot.”
“Do you remember when your sisters were teenagers?”
”Yeah,” said David, thinking of the hell that was living with four teenage girls. “That went on for a long time. Four sisters and all.”
”Did they ever have fights with their friends?”
”Oh, all the time. One of the stories that I didn’t put in my last book is about that, Gretchen came home, and-“
”And what did your parents do?”
David realized that he wouldn’t have time to tell the story before the plane boarded anyway. “Usually they just let the girls deal with it, except in that story about Gretchen.”
“Cool, thanks.”

***

“Usually they just let the girls deal with it,” David had said.
Let the girls deal with it.

Stephen knew he would have to let his daughter be a teenager someday, he just didn’t realize it would be so soon. He should just leave her be, but he didn't want to just do nothing.

So, after dinner, he pulled her aside.

“Sweetie, if you ever have trouble at school, you know mom and I are here for you, right?”
“Yeah, dad, sure, can I go back to my video game?”
</ij-cut>