Title: No, We're Not Straight
Pairing: Rachel/Anderson
Rating: R
Word count: 1329

Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.


This was written for vibishan in the 2008 Secret Santa at Fakenews Fanfic.

Monday Morning

"So, Rachel,” said Keith, “I hear you've gone straight!"

"What? No, I'm still as gay as I ever was."

"Really? 'Cause Tracey Stewart said she found you in her bed underneath Anderson Cooper after her party last Saturday," Keith pointed out. "And I'm, not sure whether to be more dissapointed that you're sleeping with a man, or that the man is from CNN, or that the man from CNN is Anderson Cooper."

Rachel blushed as she remembered the event. "We were drunk."

"Don't be ridiculous, Cooper doesn't drink."

***

Saturday Night

"No thanks, I don't drink," said Anderson, looking up from his Blackberry.

"You're not driving or anything, are you?" Rachel pressed.

"No, I just... I don't drink."

"Anderson, you're standing in the kitchen, hiding from a party," said Rachel, looking through the ingredients available. "I'll make something you'll like. How about a Black Russian?"

Six drinks later, Anderson started to giggle.

"'m drunk," he announced.

"No you're not, you've only had, like, four drinks. You wanna try a vodka sling?"

"No, I've had way more than four drinks."

"But you have this big strong man body to di... uh, to dilute it in," said Rachel, rubbing his arms with her hands.

"But I don't... I don't drink as much as you."

“But you have a big man body,” repeated Rachel, trying to clear her head.

“Wanna see it up close?”

***

Keith put his feet up on Rachel's desk and made himself comfortable. "Well, I mean, did you enjoy the sex?"

"Sex is an enjoyable act," said Rachel, as both an answer and an exlanation.

"Rachel, sweetie, I think enjoying straight sex is a sign that you might be bi, at least."

"I'm not your sweetie," said Rachel, for the hundredth time.

"Okay, well, what hapened?"

***

Rachel felt herself sober up as she staggered down the hallway with Anderson.

“There’s a bed in here,” he said.

Even slightly more sober, she still wanted to continue.

“So, let’s get started.”

Rachel gently pulled off Anderson's boxers, starting to feel a bit nervous. She leaned down and licked his erection, preparing to take it into her mouth.

Suddenly, Anderson had rolled on top of her and pinned her to the bed.

"Don't do that, I can get any gay man in New York to blow me."

"Okay, so, what, then?

"Let's have sex."

***

"Wait, no foreplay?"

"Um... no?"

"The lucky bastard got away with not doing foreplay?"

"We were drunk, remember? And I'd prefer to do foreplay with a woman."

“Did he at least use protection?”

“Yeah, apparently he carries them around, I guess gay men have to use them.”

"Right. So, are you going to call him?"

"No."

"So that means you're available."

"Yes, it means I'm available for a woman. Because I'm lesbian and it was a mistake."

***

Anderson was staring gloomily into his water glass when Erica walked in.

"What's wrong?"

"I raped her."

"What?"

"She was drunk, and I had sex with her anyway."

Erica sat down. “Tell me what happened.”

“All my life, I hear about straight men taking advantage of smaller women… and at the first opportunity, I-“

“Start from the beginning, Andy.”

After he’d explained, Erica was less confused. “Give her a call, take her out for coffee, you can say you’re sorry.”

***

Thursday, late morning

"So, how did it go?"

"Oh, hi, Erica."

"How did your second date with Rachel Maddow go?"

"It wasn't a date, we're just friends."

"So no sex, then?"

Anderson blushed.

***

Very late Wednesday night

“Rachel, thanks for meeting with me, I’m sorry it has to be so late.”

“Oh, don’t worry about it. I work pretty late too.”

“So, I just wanted to say, I’m really sorry about taking advantage of you on Saturday evening.”

“What?”

“You were not in a condition to give informed consent,” continued Anderson, earnestly, “which means that-“

“Anderson, you were just as drunk as I was. It was just a mistake, not a- not anything worse.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course. As a feminist, I know all about assault, and that was just a mistake.”

“Well, it definitely wasn’t on purpose,” said Anderson, relieved.

“Now, is that a regular Coke?”

***

“Oh, good, so she didn’t think it was your fault, there you go, nothing to worry about”, said Erica.

“Well, not from Saturday night.”

“So, tell me about the rest of the evening.”

“Well, she’s really good with cocktails,” Anderson said. “I think she taught the bartender a few tricks.”

***

“So, this is a Bloody Ceasar. It’s a variation on a Bloody Mary – you use Clamato juice instead of Tomato juice.”

“Rachel, it’s getting late.”

“Early. It’s early.”

“It’s four in the morning,” Anderson pointed out, “and I have to work tomorrow… well today.”

“Like I said, it’s early morning.”

“I’m going home.”

“I’ll make you drinks at home!”

***

“So, was she disappointed by your lack of a liquor cabinet?”

“I don’t really remember.”

“And she slept on your couch? Or did you let her have the bed?”

“Um, not exactly.”

***

Anderson’s alarm went off.

“Oh, God, not again.”

Rachel opened her eyes and took in her surroundings

“It looks like we-“ she started.

“I’m so sorry.”

“I didn’t realize straight sex was so messy.”

Anderson recovered himself enough to remember his duties as a host.

“Why don’t you take the shower first? I’ll clean up in here and get some breakfast out.”

***

“This is starting to become a habit,” observed Erica, “At least it was in your own bed this time.”

“Well, everybody loves Rachel, even conservatives. I don’t think it makes me straight to think she’s awesome.”

“Yeah, I think she’s awesome, too, and I’m straight.”

“But you’re a girl,” protested Anderson. “It doesn’t make me straight.”

“Yeah, exactly.”

“And she’s very pretty, too.”

“So, what’s the next step?”

“Well, I was thinking of asking her if she wanted to spend more time with me… not doing it, obviously, so we might have to stay sober-“

Erica grinned. “A date!”

“Well, not exactly, ‘cause we’re not straight, but-“

“But you’re going steady.”

“Well, sort of, I guess, if she says yes.”

“Lemme know how it goes.”

***

"Hello, you've reached The Rachel Maddow show."

"Hi, can you put me through to Rachel? It's Anderson Cooper."

"Yep, just a sec."

...

"Hi Anderson."

"Hi, Rachel, I was just wondering," said Anderson, twisting the telephone cord nervously in his spare hand, “do you want to spend more time together? Platonically? Sober?”

“Sure.”

"It makes me happy to spend time with you.”

“Me too,” Rachel agreed.

“We could go do all those things that straight couples get to do.”

“Without actually being straight, or a couple,” Rachel confirmed.

“We’ll go to a restaurant, I'll open doors for you, we'll hold hands in public-"

"I held hands in public with my ex-girlfriend."

"Yeah, I was thinking of coming out,” continued Andreson. “And I can buy you dinner, and bring you flowers, and lend you my jacket when you get cold-“

“Those are all things you do, and I just accept,” interrupted Rachel.

“Um…”

Rachel laughed. “You’ll have to listen to my opinions if we spend time together.”

“Can’t think of a way I’d prefer to spend an evening.”